ML final reflections: ‘The earth remains, and the heartbreaking beauty where there are no hearts to break’

The Monumental Loop is everything. It is place, people, performance. We sometimes think of nature as going out into the realm of the apolitical, escaping from the world. It never feels that way to me. This route feels incredibly human, at every level. It is the creation of Matt and Pablo. It exists because of their imagination and work. The route persists because of the advocacy of everyone in the local community who resist efforts to diminish our public lands. I am grateful to have come to Las Cruces and to reap the rewards. The MONUMENTal loop is a fantastic testament to the advocacy that goes into protecting national lands. I am lucky to have been here, and grateful to everyone who fights for public land, always.

It would be easy to talk about the challenges the desert threw at me, but I have done my best to avoid personifying the desert. When we athletes disappear into the wilderness it is easy to place ourselves at the center of the universe, but in this trip I was reminded how meaningless I really am. The desert continues, unmoved, whether I am here or not. 

There were definitely moments when I felt challenged beyond all belief and was tempted to shave some miles, skip around, grab a ride. I knew nobody would mind – I was injured! However I felt a complete pressure, not from anybody, but from myself. Yes, the pain was bad, but it would be nothing compared to the complete emotional void I would fall into if I did not give this loop everything I had. I’m a firm believer in doing things fully. Once you start to make compromises, it becomes easy to compromise again, again, again, until you’re left with a few scattered miles. 

I feel like I could have pushed myself harder, but I don’t feel like I let myself down too badly. I have to work on my grit, on simply just pushing, harder. I am potentially addicted to living on the edge of my limits and with the blurred memory of a week, it’s hard to believe I was really suffering as much as I thought I was. Athletically, my performance left a lot to be desired. I’m a little disappointed in this but motivated to improve for next time.

I’m left completely awed at how lucky I am to be friends with Brad. I met him on the PCT and we hiked in the same bubble for maybe 2 weeks. I didn’t know him that well, but we did play monopoly deal together and that is formative. He was there for me for my first ultra, Smith Rock Ascent. I will never forget his kindness in ditching his plans, driving me to Bend, to Smith Rock. Just as I was getting on the shuttle to the start line, he squeezed my hand and came with me. We’re often on different sides of the globe but I would trust him with anything. There’s nobody else I know who would come meet me in New Mexico after 6 months of not seeing each other. We met at a random patch of desert, truly in the middle of nowhere. It’s hard to believe someone like him exists. He is funny and very astute. When I began to struggle on the southern loop, he was there. His days predominantly comprised waiting for me. I’m blown away by him and one day hope to make up the favor! He tolerates  my crazy but helps keep me tethered to the real world when I’m floating off too far. I don’t know when I’ll next see him again but every single time I am overwhelmed that I have a friend who helps me accomplish my goals but also makes me want to be a better person.

All I can say is that I am forever indebted to this group of cyclists. We may travel in different ways, but we are ultimately all in love with seeing the world while connected to it, not from a car. As Edward Abbey says ‘a man on foot, on horseback or on bicycle will see more, feel more, enjoy more in one mile than the motorized tourists can in a hundred miles’. Hayley and Gordon were driving me to the bus stop to get back to ABQ  and we were talking about feet problems. I told them that I have been systematically ripping my toenails off over the past year to try to prevent future issues, and they both nodded and said ‘great idea’. I think this may be the litmus test to find out whether you are in the right group of likeminded weirdos, whatever your sport! So many people helped me on this trip, with a place to stay, with the route, with conversation, coffee, rides, sharing some miles, taking the time to talk to me. I am very grateful.

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2 thoughts on “ML final reflections: ‘The earth remains, and the heartbreaking beauty where there are no hearts to break’

  1. What an amazing story! You are one special person. Strong. Courageous. A touch of humor in the midst of misery. I loved every minute of your report and I look forward to the next one. Absolutely amazing.

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  2. We are so happy to read about Brad again!! It’s enjoyable to hear about your feelings for him. Write more about Brad and others please.

    Like

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